Reflection

Has anyone ever felt tired at times for being gay? Quite often I think about my life so far lately (hey, a lot of free time for daydreaming here in the field), and I feel that things would have been so much (as in soooo much) easier had I been straight.

This thought might be result from all my past relationships with guys and the skepticism that comes with it, lol. I feel kinda disoriented.

Of course I am not regretting the truth, in fact I probably wouldn't become what I am today if I were straight in the first place. But ya, being straight comes with perks for certain things. Like not having to come out to your family and friends for example. And finding spouse potential is not that big of a problem, I think, without people to judge the 'normality' or the 'nature' of relationship.

Lately I've been watching my friends getting married, and have kids. And yet I am still wandering around, trying to find my prince charming somewhere, somewhere. And I dunno, after I find the right man, so what... I still cannot have kids (which is one of the essences of marriage, I think) unless I adopt one. Surrogate mother is out of question. Because the thought of 'planting' my seed in someone else's womb and letting her going through all the maternal things while the child grows inside her, only to take the child away from her just feels not right. Do you agree with me?

I am losing my interest in woman, sexually. And now I come up with all this concept of NSA with guys and not really believe man to man relationship could be long lasting (esp. On a very rare case, you dear couples out there :D). Great.

I don't want to lead a lonely life, of course. Nobody wants that. But after quite some time, you will feel more skeptical of things like finding the perfect man through gay dating site (Which is what I am doing basically, by the way. Mock me). But where else to find good guy?

I am not really into gay scenes by the way. Most of the gay cliques are superficial (no offense, nor trying to be clique expert) and well, simply too exclusive to let anyone else joining. I rarely saw them talking about quality books or gadgets, for example, or things other than hotbods, branded items, discounts, and body care. Not that I do not enjoy such conversations, but talking about those things again and again. Come on... Gimme a break here. We are civilized and educated people and should behave more like one.

There is a proverb. All the good guys are taken or gay. Now all I have to do is finding the gay ones, haha...

And preparing to have dogs as my backup plan.

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Fatal Mistake

Gosh, I almost did unforgivable fatal mistake today. I miscalculated the distance needed to detonate explosive trains, almost resulting in a catastrophe.

I'm really blessed, God still reminded me on time through the voice of my friend. Thanks God... Thanks God...

You all don't think that I actually believe in God, do you? :)

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那些年 - Those Years

I want to have someone to whom I will sing this song to later on :-)



又回到最初的起点
you hui dao zui chu de qi dian
Back to the starting point

记忆中你青涩的脸
ji yi zhong ni qing se de lian
In my memory, I see your young face

我们终于来到了这一天
wo men zhong yu lai dao le zhe yi tian
We have finally reached this day

桌垫下的老照片
zhuo dian xia de lao zhao pian
The old photographs under the table

无数回忆连结
wu shu hui yi lian jie
Linking to countless memories

今天男孩要赴女孩最后的约
jin tian nan hai yao fu nuu hai zui hou de yue
Today, a boy will keep his last date with the girl


*又回到最初的起点
you hui dao zui chu de qi dian
Back to the starting point

呆呆地站在镜子前
dai dai de zhan zai jing zi qian
Standing in front of the mirror dumbly

笨拙系上红色领带的结
ben zhuo ji shang hong se ling dai de jie
Clumsily tieing a knot on a red tie

将头发梳成大人模样
jiang tou fa shu cheng da ren mo yang
Combed hair to appear as an adult

穿上一身帅气西装
chuan shang yi shen shuai qi xi zhuang
Wearing a handsome suit

等会儿见你一定比想像美
deng hui er jian ni yi ding bi xiang xiang mei
When I see you in a while, it’ll be better looking than you expected



好想再回到那些年的时光
hao xiang zai hui dao na xie nian de shi guang
Wish that (we) could go back to those years

回到教室座位前后　
hui dao jiao shi zuo wei qian hou
When we were sitting in the classroom, in front back position

故意讨你温柔的骂
gu yi tao ni wen rou de ma
(Doing something to get) purposely scolded from you gently

黑板上排列组合　
hei ban shang pai lie zu he
Pairing arrangement written on the blackboard

你舍得解开吗
ni she de jie kai ma
Are you willing to let go/ separate it?

谁与谁坐他又爱著她
shei yu shei zuo ta you ai zhe ta
Whoever sits with whoever, he will love her


Chorus
那些年错过的大雨
na xie nian cuo guo de da yu
Those missed years of heavy rain

那些年错过的爱情
na xie nian cuo guo de ai qing
Those missed years of romance

好想拥抱你　
hao xiang yong bao ni
I really want to hug you

拥抱错过的勇气
yong bao cuo guo de yong qi
Embrace the wasted /missed courage

曾经想征服全世界
ceng jing xiang zheng fu quan shi jie
Wanted to conquer the world before

到最后回首才发现
dao zui hou hui shou cai fa xian
But looking back in the end, I realized

这世界滴滴点点全部都是你
zhe shi jie di di dian dian quan bu dou shi ni
Every little thing in this world is all you


那些年错过的大雨
na xie nian cuo guo de da yu
Those missed out days of heavy rain

那些年错过的爱情
na xie nian cuo guo de ai qing
Those missed out years of romance

好想告诉你　
hao xiang gao su ni
I really want to tell you

告诉你我没有忘记
gao su ni wo mei you wang ji
Tell you that I never forgot

那天晚上满天星星
na tian wan shang man tian xing xing
That night, when the sky was full of stars

平行时空下的约定
ping xing shi kong xia de yue ding
In parallel time and space, we made a promise

再一次相遇我会紧紧抱著你
zai yi ci xiang yu wo hui jin jin bao zhe ni
If we meet again, I’ll hug you tightly

紧紧抱著你
jin jin bao zhe ni
Hug you tightly

Repeat from *
Repeat chorus

(Please note that this is our best effort, so, it's not 100% accurate.)

Expectation

Everyone has expectation, don't we?

When you know someone new, realize it or not, we will have sets of expectations that following that particular person. For example, when someone messaged you in Grindr, he must have some expectation from you. Either having ons, befriend you, look for beer buddy, or something else.

You and me has different sets of expectations, that's apparent. So when your set of expectation is different than my set, how should we resolve?

This post was actually inspired by my latest Fridae 'incident' if I may say so. so I have this guy sent me a message, asking how I'm doing and such, usual stuff. I replied him casually, as I have stated so many times on my last posts here that I'm not really looking for another relationship (well unless the one to commit relationship with is ready for some long distance action, of course).

We replied each other messages for quite some time, chatting about the current affairs, our activity, and we exchanged number and Facebook. I was hoping more of friendship though, and this guy, Jay, seems fit my ideal image of a healthy friendship. Every few days, Jay and I will just exchange nonchalant messages about how our day was, and how our trip was going, as we both often travel to different cities for work. Since he's younger than me, I even refer him as didi - younger brother and that worked both ways, he also referred me as gege - big brother.

So then, this is the part when things get abit complicated. I restored my laggy Blackberry phone to original factory setting, and it's so unusual of me to forgot creating backup of the phone contact. And ya, creating phone backup for Blackberry is just damned difficult, which partly explains why I could forgot about it at all :p So ya there I was, losing all the numbers there so I couldn't contact him for around a week or so. One day, come this message.

Jay "Missing for one week :("

Me "Ya, I lost my phone setting after reformatting, been planning to message you on facebook instead to ask for your phone number"

Jay "Halah, just say that you forget about me already" ONE. Things start to get weird here... And at the moment, I just promised myself that if he blurt another weird or intimate-inducing phrase again, I would tell him clearly that I had no other intention than just being friends.

Me "Ya, so unusual of me forgot creating backup so I lose all phone numbers in there."

Jay "So why didn't you just message me on Facebook right away?" Hello duuude... We're not even boyfriends, what's with the interrogative behavior?

Jay "I miss youuuu, you knooow? I'm coming to Dubai next week next week btw." Whamm, TWO. I. Need. To. Tell. Him. Now.

Me *trying to be as easy as possible* "Okay didi, let's meet for some lunch. But well ya, I have no expectation at all ya" BOOM. Bomb dropped.

Jay "..."

And he just doesn't reply to me ever since.

I don't understand this, is it that easy to crush on someone in this man to man world?

I will rephrase that above question more specifically, Is it that easy to claim 'ownership' over someone after just a few casual chats?

Please show me, am I that one that's wrong or it's just him plain shallow? I never, for once, gave him impression that I was in for a relationship. I even shared stories about my beer and fuck buddy here, geez... Had I known it would be like this, I won't even bother replying him in the first place.

Guess we cannot make everyone happy.

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Worst Date Ever

I just reached my room after one whole day shopping spree, again.

Feeling tired, yet slightly feel emptiness inside. The suite is quiet with silence hanging in the air at times. And such silence, is a perfect ambience for daydreaming and reminisce what has happened recently.

Few days ago I met this guy, Alan. I knew him from Jack'd, a Grindr alternative I use while I'm here in UAE. Do you guys know that Grindr is banned from running from local internet network here?

Where was I? Oh ya, Alan. He was looking for a long term relationship, and was looking forward to see me. Like many times I had said to other guys I meet, I wasn't in a rush to start a new relationship, I'm more looking for friends... Friends with benefit are also fine, but not relationship. And ya he insisted on trying to change my mind.

Long story short...

From the talking, the way he pushed himself toward me, the moment we kissed (It was DRY and unpleasant... Both literally and figuratively), to how he pinched my nose slightly. It all felt wrong. DEAD WRONG.

This may sounds cliche as some of you might have heard that first kiss sometimes is a deciding factor whether there will be next date or not. For me, this is the moment I feel it that way. Second date is a no no, definitely.

Never before I resent the feeling of being with a guy, but it was before I meet him. Every single move and gesture, just as if it's like a repetitive chore. The sex itself was meaningless, in a rush, just fulfill our unsatisfied desire of physical love. No more than that.

After finished, all that left was just a disgust feeling. I wanted him to go, as fast as he could. That feeling went even bigger and bigger until he finally left. There was a big 'huffffffffffff, finally....' moment at that time.

Am I becoming heartless now? Or in the middle of process of becoming straight? This last one is very unlikely, I guess :-/

 

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