不得不爱 – Got to Love You

Few people asked me these days...

“Did you break-up with Mouse?”

Maybe there’s misunderstanding arises when they read my last post. I said that I’m tired with my relationship with Mouse and dunno where this relationship will go. But no, I’m still with Mouse. Weird huh? Yea, he didn’t wantto break up with me, and so did I.

For me it’s really weird. Time after time, I develop this ‘tolerance’ toward Mouse. I learned to compromise our differences. He also tries to understand my feelings. I know that our relationship is not just about physical. I know that eventually we still have to break up, so I just don’t want to waste our time and enjoy this relationship, even without sexual intimacy. Ed (remember my bestfriend?) just told me that it is almost impossible and that makes us no different than just friends. But then I think again, it’s no use to ‘force’ him to have sex with me. Sex is just a way to express love, isn’t it? (See how melancholic and old-fashioned I am?) So I think it’s really all right for me if he just couldn’t express his love that way. I still love him, though.

I know it’s kinda hard for us since we’re both kind of sex-driven guy (‘nafsu besar’ if I may say :-p) but what the purpose in doingit if we don’t enjoy it…

Enough about me and my relationship...

Recently there’s nothing special to blog about. I just got these two books, entitled The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and Flowers for Algernon (Charlie, the Genius Imbecile) by Daniel Keyes. The one that attracted me the most is Flowers for Algernon… The plot revolves around an imbecile guy named Charlie Gordon. He was born with IQ just 68! Geez, how poor he is. And because he is mentally dull, he was selected by a group of scientists as ‘guinea pig’ for their project in purpose to raise his intelligence. This procedure has been successfully applied on a white mouse named Algernon. As time goes by, his aptitude has developed so rapidly and surpasses the ability of those scientists. And that experiment seems to be a super-important scientific innovation. But suddenly Algernon’s ability decrease, as rapid as how itincreased back then. Is Charlie gonna be like Algernon?

Well, I like this book because I think Keyes completely good in describing Charlie’s development from time to time. From an imbecile guy which almost doesn’t have emotional feeling into a mature guy who posses a complex thought. No wonder that this book received a Hugo and Nebula Award (dunno what kind of awards they are, though, hehe) and sold more that 5 million copies worldwide. Read it!

Argh…shit, just received a phone call from computer center that my computer’s mainboard need to be replaced. It’s EXPENSIVE……….!!!

Now I have to go there…



We love only what we do not completely possess, and fear to lose.

My Visual DNA

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Tired...

After few days ago I completed that business simulation game on Jakarta (which I mentioned to you before), I headed back to B-town and arrived just at 2 AM in the morning. Feeling dizzy and exhausted, I slept until almost 9 AM, forgetting about the Corrosion exam and all. I thought I would ask for dispensation la...



You know what? I'm tired I'm really tired of how my relationship with Mouse going. Just yesterday I found out that he wrote in our blog, that he feels guilty because of this relationship. Furthermore, he asked if we can continue this relationship with no sexual intimacy. He told me that he can't do it anymore, considering that same-sex relationship is contrary with our religion's belief (we're Catholic, btw) and that he doesn't want to disappoint his parent and so so.

I wanted to yell at him when he said that on the phone... I ALSO feel that way!!!!( If he couldn't realize that). I feel guilty too after we did those sexual thingie. But instead, I still want us to do that because I know that we don't have much time before he getting married or what... So I just wanted to enjoy our togetherness and do whatever we can do at this time. I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY REGRETS in the future. I don't want us in the future look back to the past and say "Wish I...", "I hope that I...". I just don't want that.



From the first time we met and decided to walk together, we agreed that this relationship has many obstacles (our parents, that he would eventually get married, and so so), and still we've been get through it together. And what about now? He suddenly did this... I just don't understand him, really. It's not that I expect sex sex and sex only. I thought that sex is necessary in a relationship, but not a highest priority. But... ough...I don't know what to say. If he feels that way about same-sex sexual intimacy, then why he started it in the first place?



I don't want to think about our future, at least not now! Because I know it hurts... just to think how we will have our own separated way.

You know, if there are times when I regret how I was born as bisexual, this is one of them... Had I am straight I wouldn't EVER feel this way! Geez, I don't even have strength to cry nor the shoulder to cry on.

So he said we still walk on together, we can still communicate by phone, blog, SMS, e-mail, and maybe meet now and then. But just stop the sexual contact between us. Somehow, I feel so far away..... If so, what the difference between me and him and between me and my friends then?



I had this thought, that maybe it would be better with me if I never ever meet him at all. That we don't have a crossing destiny. So I don't have to face this...

Maybe that's because I love him so much T_T

Before I Head Back to J-town

This afternoon I will head back to J-town to meet my beloved Mouse^^ Yes, I'll do sleepover again at his apartment. Actually I didn't tell my parents that I would come back for this easter (since I want to spend this holiday with my Mouse, hehe). Duh, such a naughty naughty boy I am :p

So this is my plan...

Thursday - Sunday: Play play with Mouse all day long

Sunday: Head back to B-town, preparing myself for the next day's exam

Monday: Corrosion Material Exam, bwuh...

Tuesday: Back back back to J-town, attending a business competition which I was selected to join to. I will stay in Manhattan Hotel, and since Mouse will stay in J-town until this day, maybe we can meet again somemore *grin

Friday: Completing the events, back to B-town and study study study again for the next mid-semester exam.



Phewww, what a busy life....

Laboratorium Session

This week is the Holy Week and my university will have a holiday starting on Friday. Well, of course, like another holiday, I will go to J-town to meet my beloved Mouse. Really miss him so much....^^ We've also planned to see Mr Bean Holiday on the cinema.

But of course, uni won't give up that easy in not letting us enjoying our holiday. Yes, I still have one lab session this week with that so-called "complete report" which will be collected on next Monday. Not only that report actually, they also will give us EXAM on Monday. Geez.



Usually I (never) do this:

-Preparing my report draft before the lab session

-Study for the exam, one week before

Ow ow, they call us to take the presence note before the lab begin, gotta go...

ScribeFire

Well, hello everyone. A really really long time no see rite :) Miss you all and blogosphere very much. I'm now trying for a new plug-ins in Firefox that allows you to post to your blog without logging on. Test test....123.





A glitch of my life happened while I was absent in blogosphere...



A girl ASKED me to be his her [I edited it already lho, koala, hehe] boyfriend... WOW....



How was that sounded? Of course, without further ado, I rejected her (without telling her the reasons, for sure). Poor girl...