Monday, December 17, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Doubts and Fear
Sorry my dear readers, for the lack of update these few months. Well, one of the reasons is my computer is still hasn’t been repaired yet, bleah. And I don’t like to use public computer on campus to write blog entry, hehe.
My relationship with Cedy goes really well I think, especially after we met in
Since few days ago, we’ve been talking about the future of our relationship. Well, yes, it is indeed a sensitive matter to talk about, since our relationship is just budding, but I think it is necessary sometimes, we don’t live only for tomorrow, do we?
Yeah, we both always afraid that we move too fast in this relationship, practically it is just barely 3 months since we make our way together. We already agreed that this relationship not going to be easy, we are still living with our parents, we have this different citizenship, and so many obstacles we still have to overcome. I know that.
I think that he kinda hesitate about this. He said that he cannot wait for something unknown forever and he want a relationship where we can spend our time together. I understand. And as for me, I also don’t want to have a long distance relationship forever; it is really hard for me either. He has his reasons for doubting where this relationship goes. Sigh, I wish I can say to him now that we can live together soon or so, to assure him that the future of our relationship is not something abstract that he should afraid of. But while I still live with my parents, I cannot say that for now, at least in short term (one year). That’s a dream that we must work hard to reach, but I am more than willing to try to make that dream come true. He’s the one I love and I will try my best to be with him no matter what.
Maybe I’m a dreamer, and maybe I don’t always think realistically, that’s me. But I will try my best to reach my dream with all my might. For me, happiness is a matter of choice =D
Yah, I miss him badly, miss hugging him and hold his hands in mine. But sadly, we still don’t know when our next meeting will be. I can only go to
Okay okay, till then everyone…
Monday, July 23, 2007
My First Business Trip – Bali, the Island of Gods
Day One: Talk with the manager and supervisor in the area and analyzing the data collecting process.
Day Two: Attending a field trip with supervisor to see the data collection process on the basic level.
Day Three: Enjoy
Day One: Appetizer
pond view from my balcony
my room, whee
I didn’t go straight to the office since all the supervisors and administrators I need to talk to haven’t arrived yet at that time. So I just enjoy my time at the hotel, walked around to
The beach wasn’t really crowded that time. I asked few people there, and they said that the beach is usually crowded in the morning time, with people wanting to see the sunrise and surfing. Well, tomorrow I’ll try again.
Kinda late at night, I went out for a dinner, walking toward the direction my sales manager has told me earlier to find café or some restaurants. But geez, after a long walk and all, I didn’t find any decent café or restaurant there. Disappointed, I was walking around somewhere, figuring how to reach hotel again. I didn’t want to walk my way to the hotel again. And suddenly this ‘tukang ojek’(ojek = somekind of public transportation by motorcycle) appeared, offered to drive me back to hotel or somewhere else I want. Well, didn’t want to lose any chance, I asked him to guide me around
But after think of it again, I can’t wonder why I did have such bravery to go out with someone I dunno at all! It was so dangerous! *shake head* Lucky me he didn’t have such bad intention, pheww…
Had my dinner at a Rosso Vivo, Italian café at the road next to shore. I picked Spaghetti Carbonara and Black Mango, somekind of mango juice mixed with blackberry. So expensive to have your dinner here, but it was really worth it. I like the pure Italian taste of the spaghetti (unlike Pizza Hut’s spaghetti), not spicy but thick, with enough cheese and milk. The beverage wasn’t bad either, but not too special I think. Will come back here next time I go to
Day Two: Karaoke Catastrophe
It was a really exhausting day, indeed (lucky it wasn’t as hot as yesterday, but still). Geez, did a really long field trip with the supervisor, named Mr Age. He’s a really nice person, with humble n friendly manner. Really nice to know him :) We went to the west part of
peaceful ambience
Got my lunch a bit late that day, around 3 pm. We had our lunch in some sort of traditional restaurant in the middle of the ‘sawah’ (wet rice field), and as our choice, we chose ‘Babi Guling’ (roasted pork), a Balinese special menu. My little brother told me earlier that once I go to
a stall in the middle of wet rice-field
After field trip, I went back to the office, meet my branch manager, he promised to take me to the famous (and cheap, haha) craft store named Erlangga, I want to buy something something for my family and my friends. Got many interesting stuff there, for a bargain price, haha, happy happy. For myself, I bought few
Late at nite, one of my employees, Mr D picked me up at the hotel. He wanted to show me the
And the disaster begins…
Mr D brought me to his friend’s karaoke place. Me, being innocent, just said yes, didn’t know what waiting for me. I thought that it’s like usual karaoke places where I and my friends usually go to. But I was wrong. Totally wrong.
Dark ambience, few guys flirting with girls at a sofa near the entrance hall, striptease pole on the center stage, broke all my expectations into pieces. Never in my life have I imagined that I would be dragged into such kind of situation. I mean, I often see it in movies or TV drama where those businessmen go to a karaoke plus plus place to entertain their bosses or important guests. But I DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ack……! I was silence in disbelief when the sissy guy, which is the pimp there, showed me the girls sitting in line like those in the stadium, waiting to be chosen. The sissy pimp called me “Young Master” and asked me what kind of girl I like to accompany me during the karaoke. If I could, I would answer “I like guys, not girls, thank you”, but since my employees all there standing, waiting for me, I just told him, that I like chatty and funny ones. I chose the one that look most hospitable and started to figure my way out of this horrible place.
After I chose the girl, named Ayu, new misery started. This girl seems fond of me, and unlike other girls my friends chose who always refused to be touched touched or so, this Ayu girl always pulled herself sticking with me, didn’t want to let me go from her side. She even started to caress me and touched my thigh several times. And the worst case of all, raised my hand to touch her boobies. Awwwwwwggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. God, forgive me, please…
Despite of that sexually-aggressive attitude, she wasn’t too bad actually. What I thought of her was right; she’s kinda chatty and funny. BUT…. Still I realized that she practically tried to make me drunk, always lifted my glass for me, and every time I got back from the toilet (toilet became a really comfy place for me to escape awhile from this insanity), I reckoned my drink became more alcohol-tasted, she probably added that “Black-Label thing-a-ma-jiggie” beer to my glass more and more in purpose. So now, every time she offered me my glass, I always pretended I drink it, but in fact, I just raised the glass to my mouth and did nothing. You know, just like those in gangster movies, when the head of the gang pretends to avoid being poisoned by his rival. THE NIGHT SEEMED NEVER ENDS!! And in her last desperate attempts, she whispered me this, “Chris, would you mind come here again tomorrow, I promise I will give you an unforgettable memory of
See? You must have figured out what she might do had I dare enough to come back the next day. Unforgettable memory = SEX. I just laughed out loud and did a false promise that I would come back for sure. While, of course, my heart screamed, “NOOOOOOO!! I WILL NEVER GO TO THIS PLACE EVER AGAIN!!”
Even bad things must come to an end….at 3.30 am, the karaoke finished and we went back home. Oh, not yet, Mr. D brought us to eat porridge at a stall nearby. He said, eat porridge can wipe out the trail of alcohol smell. There, he also told me that I am smart and good-tasted to choose such a big-breasted woman like Ayu. Geeezzzzz!
Finally, headed back to hotel, that torturing night was finally over…. Thanks God to save me right in time…
Day Three: Beautiful Memory
Was too tired because of last night, I awoke at 9 o’clock, kinda late. Sigh, couldn’t see sunrise at Sanur like I wanted to the day before… But it’s okay, there’s next time.
After bathe and had my breakfast, I decided to go to beach, enjoying my time. Lucky the weather also not so hot, it was cloudy cloudy. So I just strolled down the beach, took a picture or two. The beach also wasn’t really crowded, just there were few foreigners sunbathing. Like a kid, I got excited when I saw beautiful clamshells on the beach, so there I was, collecting corals and clamshells from the beach, lol. I also brought one glass of beach’s sand, so I can put them all in a bottle to remind me that I was once there. Then felt tired, I took a little rest while enjoying beach wind at a gazebo near the shore. Here are few pics of the beach I’ve taken…
blue sea^^
lil' Crabby on the rocks
I wish my Ced Ced also here with me T_T
Then I had my lunch at café in front of hotel, didn’t want to walk so far. I had black pepper steak and some drink called “Singapore Sling”. Fool me, it’s a cocktail. Sunny weather and I drunk a cocktail, what a silliness. My body got warm and warm because of the alcohol. Darn. After ate, I just ran to the hotel right away, cooling myself in my room while waiting for my branch manager to pick me up. Not so long, security guard from my office came picked me up and drove me to the office. Didn’t do anything in the office though, just roaming around in the office, had few chit-chat, and so so, haha. Eh, almost forgot, one of the employees in the company brought me traditional alcoholic drink from Bali, named “arak
After the office hours passed away, my branch manager brought me to the famous shop in
Dinner time already, we headed to a Javanese restaurant before the airport, named Pecel Seleco Madiun Stall. Wow, it was so delicious, never before I found East Javanese restaurant that matches my lofty standard of Javanese cuisine (haha). Recommended. Then after dinner we headed toward airport, I waited for my plane to come while smsing Cedy, hehe.
Goodbye
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
A Simple Wish
I never expected it at the first place…
I even tried to deny it at the beginning… cos I dun’t think my heart is ready to start a new journey with someone new.
But oh well, maybe that’s how fate works…
I reserved for him one piece of my heart, with hope that he will wait for me.
Despite others sayings that this kind of relationship won’t last forever, still I cherish him and want to make it through with him. I finally made my feelings clear last night, and I’m so glad that he also feels it too.
Happy Birthday, Ced Ced…! Live long and prosper. I’m just so happy to have you with me^^
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Wanna Buy New Mobile Phone
Agh, my handphone joystick is now moving toward its end. So I just think to buy a new handphone instead of repairing it. Hee hee, indulge myself a bit after this internship. Requirements for my new mobile phone:
- touch screen, tired already “pencet-pencet” buttons.
- camera, at least 2 MP, so I can take more pics of myself as much as possible, tee hee.
- 3G
- Sony Ericsson
Well, I guess that’s all..haha… and my candidates are…*trumpet on the background*
Actually I really adore SE P1 or
Monday, July 02, 2007
While at Work
| What Your Hands Say About You |
 You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills. Idealistic and dreamy, you tend toward the impractical. You have a knack for getting yourself in sticky situations. Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the point of being incomprehensible. Your emotions tend to be relaxed and uncomplicated. You don't read too much into things. |
| You Are a Mermaid |
 You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are. While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need. Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational. You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else. |
| You Are A Good Friend |
 You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"! |
| You Are 28% Weirdo |
 You're a little weird, but you'd be even weirder if you didn't have a few quirks. You are just strange enough to know it, but nobody else seems to notice your weirdness. That's because, deep down, everyone is a little freaky! |
| You Are Cookie Monster |
 Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth. You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around. You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!" |
Friday, June 29, 2007
The Golden Compass Trilogy - My Daemon
The first parts of the 1st book are rather boring, but after you read through it, the plot developed and it is more complicated than you thought. Here, I also write the synopsis of the 1st book, "The Golden Compass".
The Golden Compass forms the first part of a story in three volumes. The first volume is set in a world like ours, but different in many ways. The second volume is set partly in the world we know. The third moves between many worlds.
They're now producing the movie, yayyy, which will be released this December. Can't wait to see it^^
**************************************************************
"In The Golden Compass, readers meet for the first time 11-year-old Lyra Belacqua, a precocious orphan growing up within the precincts of Jordan College in Oxford, England. It quickly becomes clear that Lyra's Oxford is not precisely like our own - nor is her world. In Lyra's world, everyone has a personal dæmon, a lifelong animal familiar. This is a world in which science, theology and magic are closely intertwined.
These ideas are of little concern to Lyra, who at the outset of the story, spends most of her time with her friend Roger, a kitchen boy. Together, they share a carefree existence scampering across the roofs of the college, racing through the streets of Oxford, or waging war with the other children in town. But that life changes forever when Lyra and her dæmon, Pantalaimon, prevent an assassination attempt on her uncle, the powerful Lord Asriel, and then overhear a secret discussion about a mysterious entity known as Dust.
It is at this time that children mysteriously began to disappear. Children, and only the children, are vanishing at the hands of what become known as the "Gobblers." Who the Gobblers are and what they want is unknown, but soon, children from far and wide are disappearing with out a trace, even Lyra's good friend, Roger.
But before she can begin her search for Roger, Lyra is introduced to Mrs. Coulter, a beautiful and bewitching woman. Mrs. Coulter is a scholar and an explorer - seemingly everything that Lyra could ever hope to be. Mrs. Coulter takes Lyra under her wing and employs her as an assistant to help in the next expedition to explore the Arctic North. On the morning she is to leave Jordan College, the Master of the school gives Lyra an alethiometer, a rare and powerful instrument with the power to reveal the truth in all things.
While under Mrs. Coulter's guidance, Lyra learns of her mentor's critical role in Church's General Oblation Board, a.k.a. the Gobblers, the party responsible for the disappearing children. It is revealed that these kidnapped children are taken to Bolvangar, a place in the far North, to participate in Dust experiments whereby they are severed from their dæmons through a process called intercision. Lyra also learns that the Church has captured and imprisoned Lord Asriel in the Arctic region of Bolvanger where he has undertaken Dust experiments of his own.
Horrified at what she has learned, Lyra and Pantalaimon flee Mrs. Coulter's home in the middle of the night and are rescued through the kindness of two gyptian men. The gyptians are a gypsy group of boat-people who live a harsh life on the water tempered by their unwavering sense of family, loyalty and love. It is the gyptians' children who have suffered most at the hands of the Gobblers, and they have vowed to travel North to rescue them. Lyra pledges to share what she knows, rescue her dear friend Roger, and ultimately find her imprisoned father. Through the gyptian elders, Lord Faa and Farder Coram, Lyra is bewildered to learn that her parents are Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter. Despite this shock, Lyra quickly learns to read the alethiometer and understand its messages. Although her alethiometer enables her to discover the truth in everything around her, Lyra is unaware of the incredible role her own life plays in the fate of the universe. Lyra is the subject of a great prophecy in which she is destined to commit a fateful betrayal that will determine the future of all worlds.
To succeed in the rescue mission for the children, the gyptians enlist the alliances of three people who come to regard Lyra dearly: Serafina Pekkala, the witch queen who reveals that the fate of universe lies in Lyra's future; Lee Scoresby, a Texan aeronaut and commander of a hot air balloon; and Iorek Byrnison, a renegade armored polar bear, deposed as king of his clan by a deceitful brother. While on their long, hard journey in the far North, Lyra and Pantalaimon are kidnapped by hunters who take them to Bolvangar, the place where all the kidnapped children have been brought. At long last, Lyra is happily reunited with Roger, but to her horror, she witnesses intercision, the gruesome Dust experiment that separates child and dæmon. Banding together, the children and their daemons escape the terrors of Bolvangar, fleeing into the safety of the gyptians, Serafina Pekkala's witches, Lee Scoreby's balloon, and Iorek Byrnison.
Although the children are rescued, the journey for Lyra and Roger is far from over. They travel further north and finally find Lyra's father, Lord Asriel. Lord Asriel has experimented with Dust as well, and has discovered its role in crossing the barriers into other worlds. He has constructed a bridge to another world, but crossing that bridge requires the energy released in an intercision. Unable to sacrifice his own child, Lord Asriel makes Roger his prey and escapes to another world. The universe has been broken and Lyra's friend lies dead, but she vows get revenge and discover the secret of Dust."
**************************************************************
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Gay Crime
You know, few days ago I watched television and there it was, news broadcast about murder crime. Not just usual murder though, it was mutilation (ughhh). The killed one was a transsexual, and ironically, the murderer is her ex-boyfriend. He said on the television that he killed her because he felt peevish as she forbid him to end their relationship because he wanted to go back to his wife (he is already married! Aww).
Then this murder case is exposed with hullabaloo and all. His face was exposed at the television. Pity him though, his sexual orientation was publicized to the public that way. Well, you might think that it is okay and all, but, living in conservative place like
Okay, back to what I want to say, there are many cases like that in
These things also make me more aware, that sometime, gay people can be so sensitive, and you better be not play with this. But yeah, some people apparently can’t learn from the past experiences.
Haizzzz, no playin around is best…
Second Day and the Outing
The next day..., Dunia Fantasi
Wow…lucky us, Dunia Fantasi wasn’t really crowded that day. It’s so unusual. Seems our outing “approved”, since everythings seems arranged accordingly for us, we got 40% off for Dufan entrance ticket, Starbucks new frapucinno sampling, always be the first in the waiting line, get the last lunch packs in McD and so so :-) Will post our photos here later on for you all to see. Pity us, we didn’t see the fireworks show, went to the Plaza Indonesia for dinner. Rarely go to Plaza
Today’s agenda will be packing my apparels and living needs for tomorrow. Tomorrow afternoon, after some briefing session at the office, will head to airport with my friend Fen. He will be assigned at
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
First Days in the Internship
So far these few days in the company went really well. Not really working though, still an orientation to the working environment. Touring around in the office, introduce yourself to your office mates, listening to the facilities and IT training, knowing how the company working, parts of the company, etc etc. Basically, it’s tutorial how to survive in this company la. About my office mates, my colleagues all usually young and energetic people around my age, so no trouble with adaptation. Even older employees and my bosses also kind and really understand you well. So I think I won’t have problem with this one :-)
Just got home from work tonite, tired already… Whew!! My new office is located in rather crowded area, makes me dizzy dizzy at first (I’m riding motorcycle to the office btw, to avoid “macet” at the street).
But it’s okay I think, since it’s just temporary problem. Soon, I will be moved to the
Okay will catch up with you again later about my next days working. Wanna take a bath then sleep rite now *yawn*
Sunday, June 17, 2007
The Day before Internship
1.Buy dozens of long-sleeve shirts. I even buy one PURPLE shirt, hehe, so gay….
2.Of course, not to forget, new pants to MATCH my new shirts [hehe, like any other gay will do, lol]
3.Buy new pantofel shoes
4.And in addition, do an extra facial care so I can look fresh at the day, haha….
Aiks… so coquettish me!
Well, my days in Jakarta are quite boring so far. Just slacking at home, eat, sleep, slacking at home again, eat, and sleep, no variety. And ow, have I told you that one day before I headed back to J-town I bought a legless lizard? Hehe, it’s so cute, and I name it Gregory, haha. My friends all laugh when I told them, too good for a lizard though.
Gregory...Thursday, June 07, 2007
Matt Wertz - 5:19
I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you
That I'm ok
July came, I thought I had it all together
Until you said
"I need some space"
Truth be told
It's so hard to wait
One eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19....
I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go.
We both know that I could think myself dizzy
Right now I'm spinning around
You said, "baby, don't worry"
But I just miss you right now
I said, I miss you right now
One eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19....
I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go.
Baby, take all the time you need
I just want you to know
I'll be here, waiting
With one eye on the clock
And one on the phone
It's 5:19....
I'm feeling alone
If I could talk to you
I'd want you to know
I'm holding loose
But ain't letting go.
(x2)
ooooo....
Ain't letting go
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Time passes so fast ya. Just realizing :-)
Just doing usual thing I do on my birthday, eating La Mien (noodles), haha. Give me long and prosper life^^ and of course do a lil' self indulge.
*singing "Happy Birthday"
Happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday happy birthday....
happy birthday to me.....
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Got Internship!!!!!!
You must be bored to heart those sad entries I posted earlier in my blog. But now I’ll write really good news I just got today.
I got an Internship I want, huurayyyy!!!!
Cheers for myself---> Me being cocky, lol….
Yea, I got an internship opportunity in one of FMCG (Fast Moving Consumer Goods) companies here, hehehe. FYI, this company is so hard to get, so that explains why I'm being so happpy and so so. Detail of this company left back to maintain anonymity, of course (sorry^^). All I can tell you is this company is the world's largest FMCG company. After so much interviews and tests, now here I am, hehehe. So for the next two months I will spend my time in J-town, my lovely town for that internship. I’ll keep you up to date with my progress, whuiiiiii…so happy…..
Saturday, May 26, 2007
The Story Behind… (Part II)
After that last chat, the life flows just like usual. EXCEPT, I feel a slight differences on his SMS for me. No more ‘dear’ or so so, no more intimacy. Just cold and routine things like,
“Morning Chris, have a nice day ya today, hugs hugs”
Call me sentimental, call me over-sensitive, whatever. But I really do feel if there’s any slight difference on people near me. Until someday, he didn’t SMS me on lunch time like usual, then I sent him a SMS like this,
“Have your lunch well today dear. Ah, my Mouse is now being a little careless^^ Hugs.”
He replied
“Have your lunch well also Chris. I will talk later much on blog ya.”
About half an hour later, he sent me SMS again.
“Chris, I must talk to you. I can’t be your boyfriend again. Don’t be sad ya…”
The truth comes eventually. Then I replied him.
“From our last chat I actually wanted to end it all. But I was uncertain, since you seemed like to continue our relationship. It may better be like this, we can’t be boyfriend anymore. It is better to relieve the burden from ourselves. Thank you very much for being with me for this last 5 months. I will cherish you always.”
“Ya, we can still be friends. I cherish our moments together. I also thank you for being important part of my life these 5 months. I wonder if we could still continue our blog...”
“Ow, the blog isn’t suspended? Well, okay, I don’t mind. So from now we’re friends’ yea?”
“Yes, the very best friends. Hugs you always Chris…”
And that was how we broke up. Now here I am, single again. No sad feelings, no worries, but sometimes peevish on him. Wondering, how can he be so bold…
And ever since we broke up, we still communicate well and continue to write on our blog together. So I guess things went quite well for me and him.
Well, about hypocrisy. I recalled that yesterday, after read my earlier post (The Story Behind… Part 1) Ed told me of being hypocrite since the things that I said to Mouse is contrary to what I was thinking of. Well, believe me that I am not. Somehow I was peevish on Mouse, but on the same time, my feelings for him wouldn’t fade away that fast. I will keep my memories with him and treasure our moments together always. Believe me, I don’t hate Mouse. Those “me talking to myself” thingie in my earlier post were just spices for my blog only. And of course, no intention to reveal our relationship secrets here either to drop his name, just wanted to share my feelings here, as how this blog was intended to be.
感情就像候车月台 有人走有人来
Emotions are like seasonal trains and moon balconies, people leave and people come
我的心是一个站牌 写着等待
My heart is a signboard, (with) ‘waiting’ written on it
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
The Story Behind… (Part 1)
From our last quarrel (about his obligation to have sexual intimacy again with me), I knew that something has changed from him. I felt that his attention for me lessened. Either from his SMS for me, his e-mail, or his blog entries. Maybe it was just a slight difference but I always can feel it. My friends all told me that it was just my imagination. But I knew that it wasn’t.
He never called me with usual name he used to call me with… that was one indication. When I confronted him about this change, he didn’t answer. He always acted as if nothing has changed between us. From that time, I know that this is almost the end of our relationship.
I chat with him almost two weeks ago. Finally he got a nerve to tell me that he wanted to have a relationship with E, a girl who is matched by his parents for him. She is a good girl, and I don’t mind if someday Mouse marries her though. Here’s our last conversation (plain and non-edited from GTalk) :
Mouse: I’d like to talk to you… I am going with E now.
[me talking to myself (mttm): Nah nah, now here comes the moment of truth]
me: I already knew it, dunno why...
Mouse: oooo. How could you know?
[mttm: Isn’t it obvious? From the ways you act to me!!!]
me: Dunno :-)
Mouse: hehe, as my promise, I have to tell you. You really okay kan?
[mttm: You, cold-hearted bitch. How could you say that I’m okay?]
me: yeah, just as our promise
we have to tell each other what’s going on
since when?
Mouse: this last two weeks
[mttm: Yeah, right when I felt there was something wrong with our relationship. Gotcha!]
And still, he insisted not to break-up with me:
me: well...I think we’re not boyfriend anymore, right? :-)
Mouse: no, we’re still boyfriend
My relationship with E is still not official
Still far away
I hate him for that egoism.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Saturday, May 05, 2007
What Makes Us Gay?
BY: Team TrevvyIt may be the
"If in fact it is true - and I’ve asked doctors this - that you are genetically born a homosexual, because that’s the nature of the genetic random transmission of genes, you can’t help it. So why should we criminalize it?"
These recent remarks by Minister Mentor Lee must have brought a guarded smile to the faces of even the most politically jaded gay Singaporean. After years of either ignoring the homosexual issue or considering it to be a deviant and unhealthy lifestyle choice, the establishment – or at least the man who created it – has finally realised what we as gay people have known since we first found ourselves attracted to the same sex – you can’t help it.
Remember the first time you felt attracted to another person of the same sex and thought it might be a phase that will go away but never did? Most gay men know from (often painful) personal experience that their homosexual inclination was never a deliberate choice. Yet opponents of gay rights choose to disregard our personal experiences and continue to portray homosexuality as a sinful choice that should be criminalised.
Cue the scramble from conservatives to disprove the notion that homosexuality is decided from birth. Why the brouhaha? If the government does decide that homosexuality is innate – like race and sex – then there can be no justification for discrimination, not just in the form of laws criminalising gay sex, but extending beyond that into other social issues such as marriage and laws protecting homosexuals from bigotry.
This is not to say that Singapore is on its way to become the Netherlands of Southeast Asia – ‘Asian’ values and traditions are far too entrenched, and we must never forget who our neighbours are – but there is definitely reason for gay men and women to feel at least slightly optimistic, even as social conservatives embark on a public relations offensive to convince the local population that homosexuality is not an inborn condition.
Much as we might all prefer to be creative writers and dancers, knowledge of the hard science serves to elucidate the difficulties faced by homosexual men and women alike. It becomes more important that gay men can tell their genes apart from jeans when homophobes try to use biology to deny us our rights.
For much of the 20th century, the dominant thinking among scientists connected homosexuality to upbringing. Psychiatrist Sigmund Freud speculated that overprotective mothers and distant fathers helped make boys gay. It was not until 1973 that the American Psychiatric Association removed "homosexuality" from its manual of mental disorders.
Then, in 1991, gay neuroscientist Simon LeVay announced to the world he had found a key difference between the brains of homosexual and heterosexual men he studied. LeVay showed that a tiny clump of neurons of the anterior hypothalamus - which is believed to control sexual behavior - was, on average, a portion of the anterior hypothalamus that is believed to control sexual behaviour was almost twice as large in heterosexual as in homosexual men. Theoretically, the clumps could have changed size because of homosexual behaviour. Nevertheless the study jump-started the effort to prove a biological basis for homosexuality.
The controlled male twins study of Bailey and Pillard (1991) showed a 52% concordance of homosexuality in monozygotic twins, 22% for dizygotic twins, and 11% for adoptive brothers of homosexual men. This research seems to suggest that “gay gene” has a 50% penetrance factor, a measure of the likelihood of gene expression.
Then, the big news. In 1993, Dean Hamer of the National Cancer Institute in the USA discovered that 33 out of 40 pairs of homosexual brothers had the same genetic markers in the Xq28 region of their X chromosome. This finding, though non-conclusive, helps to crystallise the theory of a "gay gene".
Critics of the X chromosome theory point out inadequacies of the study. The only research team to confirm the original 1993 results was the same team of scientists. Hamer’s team has failed to locate similar gene correspondencies in lesbian X chromosomes.
The focus of sexual-orientation research has since shifted to biological causes, and there hasn’t been much science produced to support the old theories tying homosexuality to upbringing. Freud may have been seeing the effect rather than the cause when he posits that homosexuality is a result of overprotective mothers and distant fathers. In recent years, researchers who suspect that homosexuality is inborn - whether because of genetics or events happening in the womb - have looked everywhere for clues: prenatal hormones, birth order, finger length, fingerprints, stress, sweat, eye blinks, spatial relations, hearing, handedness, and even "gay" sheep!
Take finger length for instance. Men in general have shorter index fingers in relation to their ring fingers. In women, the lengths are generally about the same. Researchers have found that lesbians generally have ratios closer to males.Other studies have shown masculinized results for lesbians in inner-ear functions and eye-blink reactions to sudden loud noises, and feminized patterns for gay men on certain cognitive tasks like spatial perception and remembering the placement of objects.
Willliam Reiner, psychiatrist and urologist with the University of Oklahoma, has evaluated hundreds of cases regarding medical conditions where boys born with severely inadequate penises were castrated and have his parents raise him as a girl. At the end of the study Reiner found that nurture, even when surgery is done soon after birth, cannot trump nature. This means that of all the boys who were raise as girls, not one of them were found to be sexually attracted to males. They all remain sexually attracted to females.
More recently, Brain Scan studies done in 2005 by Swedish researchers found that while straight men’s brain were sexually aroused by female urine compounds, gay men’s brain were aroused by male sweat compounds. Perhaps this explains why we are so attracted to hot perspiring men. This study yet again connecting the hypothalamus to sexual orientation comes right after the studies with sheep. It seems that about 8% of domestic rams are exclusively attracted to other rams. Further investigation revealed that a region of the brains similar to the one LeVay identified in human brains was also larger in straight rams than gay ones.
In June 2005, scientists in Vienna announced that they had isolated a master genetic switch for sexual orientation in the fruit fly. Once the switch was flicked, the genetically altered female flies rebuffed overtures from males and instead attempted to mate with other females, adopting the elaborate courting dance and mating songs that males use.
And now in a highly unsual move, the National Insitutes of Health in America is sponsoring a $2.5 million large-scale, five-year genetic study of gay brothers. Relying on a robust sample of 1,000 gay-brother pairs and the latest advancements in genetic screening, this study promises to bring some clarity to the murky area of what role genes may play in homosexuality.
Canadian researchers have consistently documented a "big-brother effect," finding that the chances of a boy being gay increase with each additional older brother he has. For some reason birth order does not appear to play a role with lesbians. So accordingly a male with three older brothers is three times more likely to be gay than one with no older brothers, though there’s still a better than 90 percent chance he will be straight. They argue that this results from a complex interaction involving hormones, antigens, and the mother’s immune system.
But nobody’s sure what’s causing it.
Regardless of what the science says – and they do suggest a correlation though not causation between sexual orientation and innate biological events – opponents of gay rights would never be satisfied. Just look at the recent debate on climate change.
While proving sexual orientation is inborn would make it easier to frame the debate as simply a matter of civil rights. We should note that other rights such as freedom of religion in most places around the world enjoyed protection long before inborn traits like race and sex.
For something we all know deep down inside that is innate to us, it seems to be a grave injustice that we have to justify our existence is not some freak of nature.Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Meat-Eater Plants
Kekeke, no lah, if you know the reason why I want to buy that kind of plant, you will be laugh for sure. I want those plants to eat cockroaches that roaming around my dorm. Euwwww, so gross. These days they even get more and more attracted to my room since I stored many many foodstock.
I usually hit them with "gagang sapu" a.k.a broomstick every time I see them and then give their weak body (yea of course weak since I hit them so hard, keke) to Pucy, one lovely cat in my dorm that always like to eat cockroach as a snack. I like Pucy, since it's so tame to me and it behaves exactly just like dogs (not cats as it should be). But owh, that's another story.
Back to my story about meat-eater plants, if you want to get info about bugbiting plants and if you want to buy them (US only, I think), you can visit this site which I found just recently.
It provides enough information about them and how to raise them.
watch out bugs!!!
Friday, April 27, 2007
不得不爱 – Got to Love You
“Did you break-up with Mouse?”
Maybe there’s misunderstanding arises when they read my last post. I said that I’m tired with my relationship with Mouse and dunno where this relationship will go. But no, I’m still with Mouse. Weird huh? Yea, he didn’t wantto break up with me, and so did I.
For me it’s really weird. Time after time, I develop this ‘tolerance’ toward Mouse. I learned to compromise our differences. He also tries to understand my feelings. I know that our relationship is not just about physical. I know that eventually we still have to break up, so I just don’t want to waste our time and enjoy this relationship, even without sexual intimacy. Ed (remember my bestfriend?) just told me that it is almost impossible and that makes us no different than just friends. But then I think again, it’s no use to ‘force’ him to have sex with me. Sex is just a way to express love, isn’t it? (See how melancholic and old-fashioned I am?) So I think it’s really all right for me if he just couldn’t express his love that way. I still love him, though.
I know it’s kinda hard for us since we’re both kind of sex-driven guy (‘nafsu besar’ if I may say :-p) but what the purpose in doingit if we don’t enjoy it…
Enough about me and my relationship...
Recently there’s nothing special to blog about. I just got these two books, entitled The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and Flowers for Algernon (Charlie, the Genius Imbecile) by Daniel Keyes. The one that attracted me the most is Flowers for Algernon… The plot revolves around an imbecile guy named Charlie Gordon. He was born with IQ just 68! Geez, how poor he is. And because he is mentally dull, he was selected by a group of scientists as ‘guinea pig’ for their project in purpose to raise his intelligence. This procedure has been successfully applied on a white mouse named Algernon. As time goes by, his aptitude has developed so rapidly and surpasses the ability of those scientists. And that experiment seems to be a super-important scientific innovation. But suddenly Algernon’s ability decrease, as rapid as how itincreased back then. Is Charlie gonna be like Algernon?
Well, I like this book because I think Keyes completely good in describing Charlie’s development from time to time. From an imbecile guy which almost doesn’t have emotional feeling into a mature guy who posses a complex thought. No wonder that this book received a Hugo and Nebula Award (dunno what kind of awards they are, though, hehe) and sold more that 5 million copies worldwide. Read it!
Argh…shit, just received a phone call from computer center that my computer’s mainboard need to be replaced. It’s EXPENSIVE……….!!!
Now I have to go there…
We love only what we do not completely possess, and fear to lose.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Tired...
You know what? I'm tired I'm really tired of how my relationship with Mouse going. Just yesterday I found out that he wrote in our blog, that he feels guilty because of this relationship. Furthermore, he asked if we can continue this relationship with no sexual intimacy. He told me that he can't do it anymore, considering that same-sex relationship is contrary with our religion's belief (we're Catholic, btw) and that he doesn't want to disappoint his parent and so so.
I wanted to yell at him when he said that on the phone... I ALSO feel that way!!!!( If he couldn't realize that). I feel guilty too after we did those sexual thingie. But instead, I still want us to do that because I know that we don't have much time before he getting married or what... So I just wanted to enjoy our togetherness and do whatever we can do at this time. I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY REGRETS in the future. I don't want us in the future look back to the past and say "Wish I...", "I hope that I...". I just don't want that.
From the first time we met and decided to walk together, we agreed that this relationship has many obstacles (our parents, that he would eventually get married, and so so), and still we've been get through it together. And what about now? He suddenly did this... I just don't understand him, really. It's not that I expect sex sex and sex only. I thought that sex is necessary in a relationship, but not a highest priority. But... ough...I don't know what to say. If he feels that way about same-sex sexual intimacy, then why he started it in the first place?
I don't want to think about our future, at least not now! Because I know it hurts... just to think how we will have our own separated way.
You know, if there are times when I regret how I was born as bisexual, this is one of them... Had I am straight I wouldn't EVER feel this way! Geez, I don't even have strength to cry nor the shoulder to cry on.
So he said we still walk on together, we can still communicate by phone, blog, SMS, e-mail, and maybe meet now and then. But just stop the sexual contact between us. Somehow, I feel so far away..... If so, what the difference between me and him and between me and my friends then?
I had this thought, that maybe it would be better with me if I never ever meet him at all. That we don't have a crossing destiny. So I don't have to face this...
Maybe that's because I love him so much T_T
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Before I Head Back to J-town
So this is my plan...
Thursday - Sunday: Play play with Mouse all day long
Sunday: Head back to B-town, preparing myself for the next day's exam
Monday: Corrosion Material Exam, bwuh...
Tuesday: Back back back to J-town, attending a business competition which I was selected to join to. I will stay in Manhattan Hotel, and since Mouse will stay in J-town until this day, maybe we can meet again somemore *grin
Friday: Completing the events, back to B-town and study study study again for the next mid-semester exam.
Phewww, what a busy life....
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Laboratorium Session
But of course, uni won't give up that easy in not letting us enjoying our holiday. Yes, I still have one lab session this week with that so-called "complete report" which will be collected on next Monday. Not only that report actually, they also will give us EXAM on Monday. Geez.
Usually I (never) do this:
-Preparing my report draft before the lab session
-Study for the exam, one week before
Ow ow, they call us to take the presence note before the lab begin, gotta go...
Sunday, April 01, 2007
ScribeFire
A glitch of my life happened while I was absent in blogosphere...
A girl ASKED me to be
How was that sounded? Of course, without further ado, I rejected her (without telling her the reasons, for sure). Poor girl...
Thursday, February 15, 2007
No Update for Quite Some Time
Yah yah yah, because of my chaotic and tight schedule moments back, I couldn’t update my blog for some time. Don’t you worry, I’m really okay :-) Thanks for ice and zeng for asking, I really appreciate that…
There’s many things happened during my absence in blogosphere,
One, I updated my Windows XP Service Pack 2 to Windows Vista Ultimate Edition. Geez, just saw how heavy-loaded Windows Vista made me uncomfortable at first. It asked you to have at least 512 Mb memory on your system (while mine was just 512Mb, pretty decent, but still I happened to upgrade my memory to enjoy Vista’s Aero desktop look) and a graphic card with at least 256 Mb memory. What is Microsoft trying to do with this actually? Nevertheless, I couldn’t resist to that cool Aero look, hehe. The only reason why I upgraded my Windows was because I was really bored with its appearance. So although this new Windows comes with such minimum requirements, I choose to upgrade.
Two, I made Bakka-chan (you remember? That my ex-crush guy who used my girl friend Ca to be his concealer) kinda shocked since he saw me and Ca exchanged jackets with our initial on its collar. Hm hm, now he will definitely think that I was the one who convinced Ca to break-up with him back then so I can be with her. Wonder so.
Three, last Saturday, I just held a BBQ party at a park near my dorm. From what supposedly be a small gathering party between me and few of my friends became a really HUGE party with almost 50 people attending. Waw…
Four, new semester has just started… With my not-so-good result last semester, I should study really hard to pursuing my scholarship to study abroad. Actually what I want is not the scholarship for study itself, but I just want to take a break and feel the new life abroad, hehehe.
Ah, isn’t this post just some kind of filler? Mmm…
Friday, January 19, 2007
My Unforgettable Christmas – Part Two
Dunno what’s wrong with me lately, but I do reluctant write much in my blog. Am I too busy lately? Or because of my second blog (the one I made with Mouse)? I don’t know either. But, I don’t want to close this blog, maybe yet. You can call me lame, but I think I’ve been putting much of my stories and experiences here, and sometimes also my deepest feelings. I think, maybe its better be like this, with my sporadic absence in blogosphere. Since my next semester is kinda busy and all. I don’t want to blog as an obligation, though. I decided, maybe I should update this blog once-in-a-week only, as how this blog is intended to be. But of course I’ll still visit this blog everyday, to reply comments or to chat with you all my friends…
The second part of my Christmas Holiday with Mouse is the most unforgettable memories of all. There’s so many things precious.
One, it’s the first time Mouse and I have an argument. A serious one. About how our relationship will be in the future. Since we’re both bisexual with obligation to be married sometimes in the future. It’s sad, indeed. Who doesn’t want love lasts forever? So do us. We kinda hate the fact that we can’t marry each other because of family reasons. I cried. He cried. We don’t want to lose each other though. It’s a long way to go, but still we hate the time we must be separated (in the future, of course). If only one of us is a woman, then we could be married…
Two, 陪我看日出 – With Me See the Sunrise, a beautiful song from Ms Cai Chun Jia Mouse gave for me before we meet on Christmas. It’s been a dream for me to see sunrise with my beloved one. Then of course, we do it together that time. We opened the balcony window wide at about 4 o’clock in the morning, whee so early, yawn) and enjoy the J-town morning sceneries… Then there, on the horizons, a first ray of soft orange light appeared. The sky was crystal clear, and the cloud was arranged beautifully at the sky border. I held him tight, as if I wouldn’t let him go. The sun was slowly appeared, smile on us. Haha, see how melancholic I am….
Three. Let’s just say that it’s the first time a take a bath with my beloved one. Haha… Have you ever done that?
Yah, needless to say. I still have many many naughty and kinky experiences with him, but I won’t say it here (don’t want to scream the underage readers, if any, haha). And of course not to embarrass myself even more la. It’s private, private, you know…
Monday, January 08, 2007
My Unforgettable Christmas – Part One
Duh, I’m sorry everyone for not blogging in such a period. Busy busy with one or two exams left after the Christmas holiday. HAPPY (belated) NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Although I know it’s now one week passed since New Year…
Yeah, today I’ll write about my Christmas Holiday (which I practically spent with Mouse, huehe). This Christmas, I went back to my beloved town, J-town. Well, Mouse also headed to J-town, wanted to pack his books left in his apartment. Then because we had no plan to spend this holiday, he invited me to spend few days in his apartment.
I went back to Jakarta on December 23rd by using train. Actually Mouse offered to pick me up in the station and then bring me back home…Ow, how sweet of him^^ But I answered no lah, since I know he must be tired after a trip from his hometown. So I just told him, that we should meet at a mall near my residence in the early evening. Gave him time to take a little rest.
Arrived at my house, met my parents and my brothers before I go with Mouse. I told my parents that I would do sleep-over at my friend’s apartment, to do some assignments. Duh, lying lo…
Actually I got a bit impatient, couldn’t wait to see him again. So I arrived earlier at our meeting place. And he also had the same thought as me, he also arrived earlier. Glad glad glad to see him again, hehehe.
We went to the cinema and looked for a movie. There were Eragon and Curse of the Golden Flower on screen. We chose to watch Eragon…hehehe. Usually when a couple went for a date, they will pick a romantic movie or what, but it’s not us. We watched fantasy movie instead, hehe. We still had a couple of hour before the film begins, so we took a walk walk around, and had some snack.
We did chit-chat at the Hoka Hoka Bento, he wanted to try Ebi Furai, new menu offered by Hoka Hoka Bento. Yah, nothing special, because Ebi Furai = fried prawns, I thought it’s actually just a gimmick to attract customer. Not hungry, I only ordered ‘es sarang burung’. Bleh…there was too much sugar in it. We really got along, talked about how we miss each other and on. You know, it’s kinda crazy thing to do, but he really looked for a way to hold my hand there amid the resto crowd lho, haha. When we realized, it’s almost the time the movie played. We then walk around a bit more before headed back to the cinema.
The air conditioner at the cinema seemed designed to simulate the North Pole atmosphere…geez, so cold inside. Mouse felt my hand froze, and then he reached my hands and held it still until the movie end. Well, of course we did it surreptitiously la, didn’t want to attract much attention from the people around us (Since few of my high school friends were also there, in the same theatre). The movie, I must say it’s not a really good one. Yea, it’s not that bad, but it’s not that good either. Yah, kinda similar with Lord of the Ring Trilogy, because I heard Eragon was also made by the same production house with LOTR.
Felt hungry, our stomach was grumbling. We then went to Lao Da, a Chinese resto near his apartment. Waw, it’s really a good resto. The food’s great, the design’s also good. But there’s one thing not good. It’s expensive! Haha. Yah, doesn’t matter how great the food was, it was getting better with Mouse with me.
After we finished our meal, we went back to his apartment, feeling too tired to wander around, beside we wanted do much naughty naughty thing together. Haha, no need for detail ya. Figure it yourself la.
Oh ya, about Christmas present for him, I gave him a really nice and interesting book (at least that’s what I thought), entitled “The Golden Compass”. Me myself haven’t read it yet actually, but I think it’s a really good one, since it won few prestigious prizes and all, haha, plain-thinking me. Wrapped it in blue gift-paper (he likes blue) and of course a blue Christmas card..
He also gave me books, and pair of CDs (He bought it from Sg last time). Those really are nice nice books. Pity me, they’re Chinese ones T_T Must improve my Chinese first before I can figure out what they’re talking about.
End of the day, we slept in his room, together. Owh, what a sweet sweet Christmas Eve it is.
To Be Continued